Why Not Say It?
by Sarah the mutant farm girl
Summary: Autumn's POV on the days between Phantoms and the following fic. The title and summary suck but you know me by now.


**Title: Why Not Say It?**

**Date:July 5th 2007**

**Summary: Autumn's POV on the days between Phantoms and the following fic. **

**A/N: HEY! I hadn't planned on writing this but here it is. Uh...Yea...Its a lot of garbage but I can't stop feeding the beast anymore. Some of the details are changed slightly but over all its what I wanted to write to begin with for the ending of Phantoms. But got sidetracked and didn't do. R&R!**

There are only a million things I'd have done differently if i knew where I'd be now. A thousand things I wouldn't have said, hundred actions I wouldn't have made, tens of minutes I wouldn't have wasted. All of these things rush in on me when she's out of my sight. When she walks away from me I remember her when she was small. When had her eating from my palm, before she got a mind of her own. She puts one foot in front of the other just like I taught her. Shoulders back. Chest out. Left. Right. Smile. Don't let anyone sense your fear. She turns back to me with a smile and promises to be back soon and I see all those mistakes again. For her I'd change every single breath. No matter what it meant to me, what I had to give up it would be nothing to know she wasn't leaving me. She can leave when ever she wants but not for hunting. That was the one thing I drove us toward that I never saw coming.

As these thoughts run through my mind my phone rings. The tone tells me its the only person on this earth that can make watching my sister leave to find her...Will okay. "Yo?" I greet sliding my cell in place between my ear and hair.

"Hey Aut, everything okay?" he reads into my every thought as easily as Darcy does.

"Yea, just got through goodbyes. Checked out this morning so I'll be headed to the resort in-oh ten minutes." I throw a smile into my voice to hide hating the situation. Autumn Aura Daemon did not belong alone. She needs to have someone around to take care of or she'll loose her mind.

"We finished up officially this morning, it'll still be a few days though."

"Take your time, no need to push your old girl to the limits just to get to the cabin." I said teasingly.

"I don't want see the cabin, its what will be waiting inside that I want," I bit my lip the desire in his voice made me seriously consider going back and meet him. Sleazy little motel room, bad music, no clothes. "Tee and Darcy okay?" He changed the topic.

"Walked away without a scratch. Darcy's going with Teenie to find Will," I told him. He'd suggested it to begin with anyway.

"Wait! Did you...No, not my Autumn. No she'd never call a Valover by her first name."

"Oh, Dork," I sighed. "I think its probably about time to mend a few fences. Don't mean I like her but I don't think I'm allowed to hate her anymore. Ya know?" he laughed.

"No, definitely can't hate a chick who can keep Teenie on a leash." I stepped up in line waiting to buy my bus ticket.

"Almost have to respect her. So you wanna tell me what's in that cabin that could possibly make you want to run to it?"

"She's not there right now. But its this little red number, purrs like a kitten."

"We talking about car or a girl?" I asked. I knew he was joking and what he wanted was me but still that moment of oh-shit-I'm-caught false pause had jealousy start in my stomach.

"Scarlet, honey. You know any other little reds I'd find at the resort?"

"Just one, but you don't know her. It's for the best too, she could kick your ass into next year."

"Really, I want to meet this girl now."

"If you insist."

"I insist."

"Tell you what, you've got two days she'll be in your room. Your only shot at meeting her is then and there." He waited the right amount of time before responding with a simple 'okay' this was our game. I had broke the rules when I uttered the L word even if it was true. We're allowed to love each other, hell at this point we ought to, but we're not allowed to act like it. Anyone who knows us very well would see easily that we break those rules a lot. "Babe its my turn I'll call you later," I told him as I stepped up to pay for my ticket.

" 'Kay."

"Mmbye."

Marc met me like planned at the next bus stop, we loaded my gear into the Gladiator and set off. He didn't ask questions which wasn't really him. He and I had developed an odd friendship over the years. We'd trained together and goofed off together, but he was only sixteen when I came to the Raining's and I was twenty-two then. The six year age gap kept us apart a good deal. After several hours on the road he let me take the wheel so he could catch a few Z's. The drive was going to take all day and the silence was painful so when he woke I probed him to fill me in on the happenings around the resort. He fell quickly into telling me tales of drunken fights, wounded hunters arrivals, and Jen's shifting moods. When he finished I filled him in on my hunts while we'd been separated.

I spent nearly three days on the road to the resort between the bus and Marc's giant van. I couldn't have been happier when I unlocked the front door of my cabin. I took a hot shower and collapsed into my bed. Dean woke me with a phone call, he only wanted to tell me that they'd picked up a few extra days and would arrive by the weekend, and though the could have texted this information he called it in. The conversations were still a bit too awkward for comfort since I'd broke the rules. But we both tried to pretend it hadn't happened. I knew it would be like the kiss at Lena's sooner or later we'd face up to it, I seem to make a lot of those mistakes.

After Dean's call I just couldn't get back to sleep so I cleaned out the fridge of whatever we'd left inside, jump started my laundry, and did general cleaning. Jen came over nearing lunch, we talked a long while. She wanted to know where Athena was, how long we would be staying, and if I'd mind picking up a few shifts in the bar. I agreed to work in the bar the next few days if she could busy Sam when he and Dean arrived. She claimed that would be a problem at all and we dropped into the girl talk I usually try to avoid. I'd never seen Jen so excited about a guy before in my life and this time it wasn't even her guy it was mine. She babbled about how much I'd changed, how much healthier I looked with him around. "You're not so closed off now, he's really brought out the Autumn we've all been waiting to stop being afraid and come out."

I kept myself busy the rest of the day doing odd jobs for other hunters at the resort. My personal chores were in order and it'd been a while since I had actually sat down and caught up with any of my old buddies. Its weird how damn near dying at someone's side makes you life long friend. So I compared kills, scars, and weapons with a few of the men who had such a big hand in my training. Jasper was right, Athena and I were the Resorts' pets. Every hunter that passed through knew who we were and had been more than happy to show us a few tricks of the trade or even better take us on a hunt.

The following morning I woke because when I rolled over there was no warm bare skin next to me. Dean wasn't there and it sent me into a blind panic, it wasn't until I saw the other beds empty that I remembered I was alone. But there was a silver lining in my cloud, he'd be home tonight or in the morning so I was within spitting distance of the finish line. There was something that had to be fixed though. Something that would cause problems when my family returned to me, the sleeping arrangements. There wasn't a bigger bed available, I knew that without asking. So I pushed the two in my and Athena's room together and started moving her stuff to the boys room and Dean's to mine.

I hadn't expected that to take as long as it did and it was no time before I had to shower and get dressed to play eye candy in the bar. Waitressing in a hunter's bar isn't as bad as it sounds, honestly. It's just like any other bar, but if you're female you WILL get eyed and the more booze a hunter consumes the greater the risk of getting slapped on the ass or being on the receiving end of a bad pick up line that carries the order like gruffness hunters love to use. But no one really touched Athena and I, for good reason, if they did not only would they have to deal with my arsenal, but Jen would never let them return, and that's only if they were still alive after the Winchesters, Rainings, and a Duck had finished with them.

"Hey!" I turned away from Lou and Steve's table to see what the hell Gus was yelling about. "Your man is here!" he called over the argument about a bad hand of poker. I glanced at the door and a grin easily claimed my face.

"Honey I'm home," the hunter that stood in the door greeted me. I dropped my tray on the table and darted across the room to jump into his arms. I hugged him tightly, as if I hadn't seen him in months.

"Good to see you in one piece," he had his hands on my shoulders holding me out to look me over as if he too suspected I was less than whole.

"Yea, you too, Autty."

"Where's Scarlet?" Dean came in looking over his shoulder and not paying any attention. "Where would she go, its after eleven?" I leaned into Sam the two of us looking far to comfortable with each other to the unknowing eye to just be friends. "Oh," he lost his wind when he turned and saw them.

"I sent the car with Valover and Athena." Dean nodded obviously waiting on my jump from his brother's side to him.

"We went to the cabin but it was locked, everything okay?" I must have hesitated because Gus told me to leave that he could cover things.

"Yea, everything is fine I just wanted to show you something." I stepped away from Sam and just barely brushed past Dean, he started to stop me but I bobbed my brow and he caught on to my newest game. It's not that difficult to lead Dean, you just have to have something he wants more than he wants to argue. Both Winchesters followed me into the cabin and I sat on the arm of the couch while they stood trying to figure out what had changed. "Bedrooms," I finally gave them a hint.

No one objected to the new arrangements, least of all Dean. By the time we'd unloaded the Impala Sam just crashed, Dean took a shower, without even asking me to join him, I changed and dropped into bed with my laptop. I still wasn't caught up on all my e-mail; I had a few regarding work, several from Mack mostly bad jokes, then the ones I opened first. Josh and Kit had sent me pictures of the girls, Kendra had grown at least three inches since I saw her last and Kayla looked like she was sick, Kelly looked like Barbie's idea of a farm girl in her pink rubber boots and flowered overalls.

"What cha got there?" Dean asked flopping onto our bed and leaning over my arm to see the screen.

"The girls, Kit's a shutter bug." I said fighting the smile that crept into my voice at the thought of my goddaughters.

"Is he taking Kayla to get checked out, she looks like hell?" Dean sounded concerned.

"Nope," I shook my head. "Here this is what Josh says, 'Kay-Kay would be doing a lot better if it weren't for the nightmares, she doesn't eat much either. But after those dreams of hers she isn't comforted by anything. Billy-Jack's brought her to us in the middle of the night a few times cause she won't stop crying until she sees us. Said he's let her call you at all hours too, our poor baby is terrified. Kelly has days where she'll kind of just die on us. Doesn't want to watch TV can't even get her out of bed. Kenny, though, is our fighter. I hate to think where she'll be in twenty years if you're around more often. She'll go hunter on us for sure.'" I read off the portion of the e-mail that would interest Dean the most. He sighed and laid his head in my lap, he was twisted watching my face as I read my mail. He seemed more than content to just lay there. I never had been one for being studied and closed my computer after only four more e-mails.

"Done?" he questioned.

"No, but there are thing more important that jokes about Little Johnny."

"What?"

"He's the little boy starring in a bunch of bad jokes about kids." I explained running my fingers through his hair.

"You want to go back and see the girls? We can take a little bit of time off while Athena goes to get Will."

"No, if she needs help again I want to be close. The girls will be okay, Kit and Joshy aren't going to let anything happen to them."

"Like they didn't let anything happen to you and Martha?" I traced his jawline and worked on the words to answer him. I didn't want to fight, what I really wanted was to be a tangle of limbs and sheets already but he was actually trying to talk tonight so I'd let him go. Besides I had no plans on leaving him again anytime soon.

"That was different, we were big girls we should have handled things on our own, and its not like he bruised us where anyone would really see it." He started to say something else but instead sat up and wrapped his arms around me. There was something final in the he held me. "Dean?"

"About what you said before you left," he started and my heart nearly broke.

"Dean," I started again ready to explain away my words.

"Just let me finish," he scolded gently. I nodded for him to go on and he pulled away from me. "He put your through hell, and I know you...Things are hard for you."

"Dean, I love you." I interrupted him again. He glared but all the wind had gone out of his sails. "Look, yea before I started hunting I was put through the wringer, and yea its not been easy since then. But that's not an excuse and you can't use that to try and explain to yourself that I'm just scared. Because, babe, I'm terrified but you are too. We've both had a rough start and its not going to get any better."

"I know, but...Aut do you really..." he stopped and for a long time we sat in silence. Eventually I leaned into his side and we both slid down under the covers, he wrapped me in his arms again pulling me as close to him as he could. "Why don't you want me to say it?" he asked when I'd just about given in to sleep.

"I can't hear it," I yawned. "You and those words don't mix. Even if you did mean them." He kissed my hair and for the first time since I left him standing in the parking lot in Michigan I felt safe and whole.

"G'night, Aut."

"Night, Dork." I answered without hesitation, but after I did Teenie and Mack's words came back to me. We didn't have to use the L word at all, because we had Aut and Dork and that was just as good. I snuggled deeper into him and slipped easily to sleep.

**A/N:Okay, I'll try to get you another oneshot before I leave. Fair starts July 14th for me so you won't see me more a week after that and building up until then I have a bunch of stuff I have to do so my time on the computer will get less and less. Hope this tides everyone over. Love you all tons!**


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